it's frustration, it's confusing, dissatisfaction , any number of things !. It's not feeling in control of much at all !! , I don't need to know my destiny but it's fucking hard not feeling like I have a purpose. So I'm 46 cruising aimlessly towards 47 and I haven't a clue !! I'm not stupid or clueless ha , or am I ? , I have no idea, I really don't , all around me , friends , some I have a whole heap of respect for , colleagues, acquaintances, no problem , ticking nicely along with life, me fuck knows, I can't make sense of it , what am I here for ??
I lost a friend a couple of years ago,a very special man, an extrovert, he loved life, loved his family and his friends, could always see the positive, uncannily so , such a special man. I'm looking at a press clipping of him now, I miss him and know I'm not the only one. If anyone had inner peace I'd have bet my right arm it would be him , how wrong I was, shit, to sit and chew the fat with him now !!
I've always had , I suppose you could call it an "inferiority complex", me , I think it's that mixed up with a whole lot of " useless twat" , ha, let's agree on inferiority complex for now ( thank fuck the web is so big this blog of mine will occupy less than a gnat's interest of some corner !).
Funny, I wish so often that I could say I don't care with some sincerity but truth is , I do !!, dunno if it's injustices I see or whether a pyschiatrist would tell me it's a deep rooted recognition of the fact that I'm impotent to do anything about it all !!
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